“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
John 15:12-13 NIV
I’ll start off with an apology as this post is more of a diatribe against cancer, dementia, Alzheimer’s, aphasia, and other diseases that affect the mind. At times, writing like this is therapeutic for me.
I never thought I would find myself here (Caregiver to a spouse with severe a severe medical issue) at this point in my life. I expected one or both of us to have serious medical issues but much later in life. Melinda and I have always joked that we are old soles in younger bodies, so I’m sure this is exactly where God wants us at this point in our lives. I can not say I like it and one day I hope He explains why, although I have a feeling when that time comes I really will not care.
The worries of this world seem so heavy at times. I have found for me the thing that helps me the most is to just stop, open my Bible to the words in RED and start reading. It’s hard to explain, but reading the words of Jesus calms my soul. It does not change what is happening around me, but it does give me hope in knowing this trouble is temporary and that one day I will be in his glory which will last forever.
When Melinda was first diagnosed with brain cancer she was diagnosed with mild aphasia. Over the past few months, the aphasia has gotten a little worse. After she had the port put in the aphasia seems to have been enhanced or something else has occurred to cause what to me seem like signs of dementia or absence seizures. Some times when I am talking to Melinda it is as if she is somewhere else. I have been searching for symptoms online which I’ll warn you can be quite dangerous. From what I have read, dementia is the closest condition that resembles some of the symptoms I am seeing in Melinda.
As if the brain cancer were not enough, will it bring on full-blown dementia? I still remember visiting a nursing home in high school. I went with a friend to see her grandmother; who had dementia. Her grandmother had no idea who she was. I did not understand how anyone could not know their own family. It was scary. I’m worried that my beautiful wife may wake up one day and not know where she is, who I am, or who her kids are. I’m trying to understand what I might possibly be facing so I read more about dementia and it has given me a heart of compassion for those that have been on the caregiver side of this condition.
Dementia is a terrible condition. Losing the ability to communicate, forgetting things, especially people, and worse losing control of bodily parts is inconceivable for the person trying to live with it. It is difficult trying to explain to others what Melinda is going through. She has such a big heart and a happy smile most don’t see that sometimes she just does not remember them or a conversation they had.
Of course, I may just be too close to the situation. It could just be the brain cancer, the treatments, or something totally different that is causing the symptoms I’m seeing. It could all be just temporary. Speaking of treatments, today will be four days since Melinda had the Avastin treatment. The day after the treatment she was as sharp as a tack. The doctor said she might have a spike of energy after each treatment, but it usually tappers off. Today may be one of those days that it seems to taper off. I woke her up to go to church. She made it to Sunday school but I could tell she was not well. As soon as we let out of Sunday school to head to church, she said I think I need to go home and lay down. She really wanted to go to church. This sickness keeps her from being in so many places she wishes she could be.
Each day is an adventure. I never know what to expect, but isn’t that the way life is supposed to be; an adventure with God by your side. I know that God is in control and I need not worry because Jesus said, “In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. John 14:2 (NIV). He is waiting for me and Melinda. I pray he is waiting for you too. If you don’t know the love and comfort of Jesus. I would love to tell you about it or you can start on your own by just reading the words in Red in most Bibles and let the Holy Spirit talk to you.
Thank you, Jesus, for letting me write this out and leaving me your words to read and take comfort in. I pray in your name, Jesus, for our country, for my wife, for my children, for my family, for those battling diseases like cancer and Alzheimer’s, and for their caregivers. Please bless them and protect them until you bring them home.
