This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever tried to write. My thoughts are all over the place. I have struggled with it and rewritten it many times over the past year. It is difficult for me to put into words the feelings I have had, have, and will have as I continue living each day. I apologize that this is a lengthy and sometimes sporadic post. Few will read it all, but I feel the Holy Spirit telling me I need to share it. I can only presume that God has his reasons for me needing to write it. If you are the person that needed to hear it, I pray it is a blessing to you.
Today marks the 365th day since Melinda left her tent to go be with the LORD. I have had many ups and downs which I will discuss, but to sum it up I am where I am today because of GOD, JESUS, and the HOLY SPIRIT in my life. For those that don’t read past this paragraph just know that I am doing well, because of them and in spite of myself.
If you have followed this site or know me well then you most likely know that Melinda was a major part of my life. She changed me in ways I am only now beginning to see. Most importantly, Melinda was a Follower of Jesus even when I wasn’t. I called myself a Christian but it took me a long time to come to the knowledge that calling yourself a Christian and following Christ are not the same things. As a Follower I have no doubts that HE died for my sins, I am saved through HIS GRACE, and I want to produce fruits for HIM. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 assures me that I will see all my brothers and sisters in Christ again including Melinda, Bill, and Nina (My Grandmother). You may be wondering why I only listed three family members. It is complicated but the short version is simple. I have no doubts those three are with Jesus. Unfortunately, I am not 100% sure about others that have passed.
This sense of doubt has deeply concerned me over the past year. 2 Timothy 4:3 says, “For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.” I feel that time is now. I wonder how many of my family and friends that call themselves Christian have a real relationship with Jesus. It pains my heart when I read verses like Matthew 7:16 and wonder will they hear, …‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws. I pray daily that I will see in them what I saw in Melinda, Bill, & Nina, so that I have no doubts. For me, it is easy to find myself living in this world and not for HIS world. I have to stop and remember which is more important and adjust course even as difficult and unpopular as it can be today.
Knowing that I will see my Brothers and Sisters in Christ again one day helps my heart rejoice. It makes each day easier to get out of bed and keep moving forward. I will continue to pray daily for those I have doubts about even while I am reminded that I am still a sinner just like them striving to live each day in a way that glorifies Jesus. Imagine a world where every Christian walked with Jesus daily, during the good and the bad, glorifying him and doing the work he directed us to do. I fear our current world is far from anything like that, just read Romans 1. If you currently support what GOD clearly hates, I would ask you to ask yourself are you living for this world or for HIS? It is a question I have to ask myself often even as I walk with Jesus, but still find myself sinning miserably most of the time. It is one of the reasons I do not put a fish or Jesus sticker on my car. I do not want others to judge Jesus through my driving. LOL
So what has the past year been like for Ed?
I have been told when a family loses a loved one, the holidays are never the same. I can say I fully agree with that observation as Christmas 2020 was like that for me. Melinda was no longer with us and her parents were worried about COVID, so we did not see them. COVID!!! How many family Christmas traditions did it mess up in 2020? Anyway, Christmas 2020 was just me, the kids, and Jesus. I will not even try to put into words all the emotions I felt. If you have lost a loved one, especially around the holidays, I am guessing you fully understand. I (will not / can not) speak for the kids’ emotions; however, I can imagine how hard it was for them. Like many others, our family holidays will never be the same. Christmas just was not Christmas. Brian left shortly after Christmas Day to get back to work and Megan stayed with me. As the New Year approached, I spent much of that time in prayer, asking God why and what he wanted me to do, as well as reflecting on the future.
WARNING: GOD answers prayers and HE may not answer your prayers the way you think he should, so be ready to accept GOD’s answer when you ask for it.
Many married couples have immanent conversations that others never know about. It can be a shock to others especially close friends and family especially their kids when they hear something that was an immanent conversation of the couple. For example, Melinda and I had talked about adopting just months before she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Melinda really missed having kids in the house after Brian and Megan went off to school. It was something I thought GOD wanted us to do together as the next chapter in our lives. It was after all our original plan when we got married since we did not think we would be able to have kids. In case you did not know Melinda had endometriosis at the age of 14 and was told she would most likely never be able to have children. Well, our plans were not GOD’s plans. GOD blessed us with two wonderful children and the discussions of adoption ceased for a time.
Melinda and I often joked about what we would do if GOD called one of us home. It was not until the brain cancer that those talks got a bit more serious. Those were some very hard immanent conversations to have, but looking back I am thankful that we did talk about everything. It was later when I was talking to Megan and she had asked about the future that I realized no one really knew about the immanent conversations Melinda and I had had about adoption, remarriage, finances, our children, etc. I felt like it was a shock to Megan and I am guessing it may be a shock to some that thought they really knew us. If you take anything from all this I would suggest only GOD knows what goes on behind closed doors, so do not assume you do.
I grew up around Christians and I used to think that those saying GOD talked to them were a bit crazy. I now know they were not crazy; they had a relationship with HIM; something that I did not at the time. Now that I too have that relationship the Holy Spirit speaks to me. I feel like HE is sporadic in his communication, but it is more likely that the many times HE is speaking I am just not listening. If you do not hear GOD talking to you I would suggest you start reading your BIBLE, slow down, focus on HIM, and not this world. I mentioned earlier that after Christmas I started praying. I prayed more than I ever had. I prayed for guidance. Remember my warning that GOD may not answer your prayers in the way you expect. Well after several days of prayer, I heard HIM quite clearly. My problem; I could not believe what HE was telling me. I thought surely I was misunderstanding. I was also a little concerned about how others might react. Looking back, I can say some of those concerns were valid.
It seems to me that the problem with losing a spouse is everyone has their own ideas of what the surviving spouse should do. Whether it is friends, family, co-workers, etc, it seems everyone has an opinion, but that is just it, it is their opinion. For me, dealing with family seems to be the hardest. We all lost the same person but that person played very different roles to each of us. In Melinda’s case, she was my wife, she was a mother to Brian and Megan, daughter to Bill and Linda, sister to Julie, Daughter-in-Law to Eddie and Barbara, and aunt to Parker, Dylan, and Hailey, etc. In my humble opinion, she honored those roles better than most. I believe that some try to place their interpretation of loss on me with an expectation of what my reaction to Melinda’s passing should be. I do not know if this is based on their relationship with Melinda, their experience, or just their expectations. All that I can say is we should not compare or judge the way a person grieves for the loss of a loved one. We all approach loss through different lenses, personalities, times, beliefs, etc, and all those factors play into how each person grieves and moves forward.
Our decisions should be Biblically based, but there is a good chance they will not please everyone. After all, Paul makes a great case in 1 Corinthians 7 for being single or being married. I know GOD knows what I need in this area. In cases where one loses a spouse, I strongly believe that the departed would want their spouse to move on and LIVE WITH PURPOSE and BE HAPPY. That purpose and happiness most likely will look very different for each person. Some will find happiness in a new relationship, while others may find happiness in other things. It is unfortunate when others criticize a widow or widower for moving on because they personally believe it is too soon. As I said before, everyone is different. What is a good timeline for you most likely is not the same for others. I would be remiss if I did not point out that just because someone starts a relationship with someone new, it by no way should take away from the fact that they loved their late spouse and most likely still miss them. In fact, some may begin dating again as a way to bring about some type of normalization. As unpopular as the media makes it sound, the majority of us living in Southern society today are very comfortable with the idea of a husband and wife, especially among those over the age of 30.
This fact hit home really hard as I was asked to be a Deacon at the church I used to attend. During meetings, I do not think the other men realized how many times they referenced their wives, but for me, it was a constant reminder of my loss. While I am on the subject of that church, I now understand why several people told me not to have Melinda’s funeral at our church. It is what Melinda wanted, but for me every time I went there I could only see her laying there in that casket. It was a pain that would not heal, so after a lot of discussions with my counselor, we agreed it was best I stepped away from Lakeview. I miss those Brothers and Sisters; they will always hold a special place in my heart. I can not say enough THANK YOU’s for all they did for me and my family.
You are probably wondering is he ever going to get around to telling us what he heard the Holy Spirit telling him to do? The answer is yes but not before this rant. If you are over 40 and dating there is a good chance whoever you meet is divorced. Some of them may try to compare their life story to yours. Here is a side note to anyone that is divorced and dating a widow/widower. PLEASE, DO NOT try to compare your divorce to the loss of a spouse. Do not say, “You can understand since divorce is like a death without a funeral.” You can not understand. There is no comparison. Our spouse is gone. They will not be popping up and we will not be hearing from them, especially if kids are involved in the divorce. Yes, I am a widower. I miss my spouse and It is okay to say her name, Melinda. She was an intricate part of my life and indirectly she always will be. I will honor her by continuing to live as I know she would have wanted.
As I prayed for guidance, I got an overall sense that I needed to fix up the house and sell it, I needed to donate Melinda’s clothes to charity, and that I needed to start downsizing. Then if that was not enough one of those nights I had a dream. The dream was hazy, but in it, I was arguing with someone about online dating. The jest of the dream was the Holy Spirit telling me I have a person you need to meet. She needs someone like you and you need someone like her. I awoke thinking that was strange. There is no way I am going to sign up for an online dating site. I have no interest in that. Well, the Holy Spirit was not going to let my disbelief go after all I’ve learned over the last few years if HE wants me to do something HE can be persistent. The next day out of the blue I received a Facebook message from someone that I went to high school with. It was a person that I have not talked to or thought about since high school. They basically told me that for the last two nights they had dreamed about me and that I needed to know it was okay to move on. They said they had no idea if I knew what that meant, but they felt they had to reach out and tell me that. I have to say it freaked me out a bit but confirmed to me what the Holy Spirit was wanting me to do, no matter how strange I felt about it. Remember, be prepared when GOD answers your prayers even if not in a way you expect.
Over the next week, I begrudgingly signed up for Match.com and eHarmony. I wish the Spirit had been more clear about which service I needed to be on but I think that was part of his plan. GOD used Match.com to show me there may not be many godly women left. I should clarify that is based on a bar in my mind that Melinda set very high. It is also why when I met her on eHarmony, I knew it was the woman the Holy Spirit had shown me in my dreams weeks early. Speaking of online dating. If it is something you are considering, please be honest and be yourself. I got the impression that many profiles are loaded with exaggerations and/or outright lies. If GOD has a person for you they will love you for you and not an exaggerated or made-up profile of what you think others want. I would add that if you are a Christian looking for a spouse then eHarmony is a great place to start. It is founded by Neil Warren, an American clinical psychologist, Christian theologian, and seminary professor. eHarmony uses a matrix to match you with other like-minded individuals. It is also not a free service, so the chance of being catfished is much lower. The last thing I would add is in today’s world do not put your real name, address, or phone number on any dating site. Be a little creative. You do not need to lie, but until you are sure the person you are talking to is that person be careful as Satan and his demons do walk among us.
Since Jan/Feb 2021, I have been working hard to get the house ready for sale. It is almost finished. It has been bitter-sweet as it has become the home that I know Melinda always wanted to see. It was going to be our retirement house, but GOD had different plans for us both. There was a lot to do. We had put off so many repairs trying to get out of debt, get the kids through college, and the last few years fighting cancer. I have remodeled both bathrooms as well as the kitchen. Almost everything is freshly painted and new carpet and tile have been installed. I am finishing the last room that holds the most memories. It is the hardest for me, but I am getting there day by day. In some ways it has helped with the healing process as for me there is something cathartic about working with my hands and seeing things come together to look new. I hope to be able to list it soon, so if you know anyone looking for a great property in Troy ISD let me know. Maybe we could bypass the realtor fees. During all the remodeling I have tried to stop and take some time and enjoy life. That is one thing loss may help you do. I reached out to friends I have not seen in years. I traveled a bit too like Little Rock, Fredricksburg, DFW, Houston just to name a few locations, and got in a few concerts along the way with Toby Mac and Mercy Me.
You may be wondering who is that woman he mentioned. Well for now I’ll just say that we have been seeing each other for some time now. She has children which is why I talked about adoption. It is a mindset God had indirectly prepared me for. We have helped each other heal in our own ways. My life with Melinda prepared me for a future I was not sure I was ready for, but you know what? GOD knew. I will write more about her and us if she is okay with it.
If you made it this far please know that I truly am doing ok. I continue to walk with Jesus daily. HE is with me especially during those times I find myself crying randomly. I find it strange how the seemingly insignificant events trigger more emotions than the many big events Melinda and I shared in do. It has been a year of ups and downs and I expect that will continue through this life, but I take comfort in Isiah 54:10, For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” What I refer to as COVID memory fog has me struggling to wrap my mind around when events happened over the past 2 years. I am thankful for one aspect of the COVID shutdowns. They allowed me to be at home with Melinda for several months. It is a time that I will always cherish. I will always love Melinda. She was my world for almost half my life to date. Nothing can replace her, but amazingly God did find it vital for my soul to send me someone that completes me in ways that he sees fit. I am reminded of Job being restored after so much loss. I find myself dreaming of a future serving GOD. I have a feeling he has something special planned for me. Something I can not imagine. In the meantime, I will continue to work on the house and pray it sells quickly, enjoy my work at the ESC, and look forward to what GOD has planned for my future.
If you do not have a relationship with JESUS, I pray you to come to one today. As Jesus said in John 16:33, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” Praying that you join me and others as a Citizen of the Kingdom as this world is not our home.
